A need to reach out, to EXIST, and the excitement to do so, and then the disenchantment and frustration when no such opportunities present themselves, and all futile attempts to create them turn into dust.
(And after, the smug secrecy of imagining what could and will soon be)
Isn't it so strange to think of all the transitory states you've been through in your life? For now, almost everything in my life has been temporary. Even things that are constant in essence (family, self, etc.) all change in my perception of them. The human body replaces all its cells every 7-10 years, so even your vessel isn't ~completely~ permanent. Think of all the states of being that have passed through you, how all your thoughts, core values, opinions have shifted and developed along with your regenerations.
If you really think about it, it's a little sad that you haven't been the person you are today for your entire life, almost like a betrayal to your values. The thing is- who cares? Of course, you might have some close friends or family who have known you since you were a different person, but they are going through this process too. Their previous self knew your previous self, and both are gone. Now, you are yourself, and eventually you will become a self past. Don't stress about it.
In life news: I took the dog to the vet and took the long way back. Drove through the farmlands. It was warm and I got kinda lost. I would've pulled over and gotten out to walk in the forest, but I'm a coward. I was a little scared/exhilarated that my parents would find out I took the car without asking them, but all my nerves settled when they played zombie on the radio. Love that song.